She Used Me!

Jerry, a 34-year-old, single male described himself as a basket case when he first called me because his girlfriend had just broken up with him. Recently divorced, he was excited when he ran into a woman he had been attracted to before he was married. Susan and he really hit it off this time. He really fell hard for her and thought she did to, but in only 3 months, she bolted. Jerry admits he’s an “overgiver,” and he certainly did that this time. She told him how stressed out she was with a full-time job, going to school, had just broken up with her boyfriend, and that she was moving. Jerry saw an opportunity and decided to help her in every way possible, when he should have seen several of these issues as red flags.

He had a truck and helped her move all of her belongings. She had a new house that needed some upgrades, so he began going over every night to paint, install a new toilet and the appliances, and changed her locks for her. For 2 ½ months, he was her handyman. And when she needed something like speakers and new dishes, he of course bought them for her. She had told him what a jerk her last boyfriend was, so he was determined to be the opposite. She seemed very receptive at first, and would make him a meal once in a while. She also told him, however, that she is not very emotional. Another red flag that he ignored. She kept him lured in by giving him some compliments and saying how they clicked and going out to have fun once in a while. They even planned a trip to Hawaii a few months out, that he of course paid for. Then when her house was complete and she wasn’t so stressed anymore, she, as he said it, “dropped me like a bad habit,” with no explanation.

When Jerry came in to see me, he believed that he had been a wonderful boyfriend and couldn’t figure out what went wrong. He didn’t realize several things: of course that he was being used, that women who have dated bad boys don’t usually respect nice guys, that she had a recent breakup (which means she may go back and isn’t ready for a new relationship), and that she warned him she wasn’t emotional.

He waited a couple of weeks until he was a little stronger and then contacted her to get his tools back and ask her for her part of the money for the Hawaii trip. She said she would leave his tools out when she went to work, and then said, “The trip is your problem. I can’t believe you didn’t get trip insurance!!” That’s when Jerry really understood that he had been used, and finally got angry. At my urging, he texted her his anger, saying how she had used him and how she’s not the person he thought she was, calling her a liar, as well as a few other things.

He now knows he moved too fast and didn’t really know her, certainly that he gave too much without asking her for anything back, and that he had chased her. He is now dating several women and holding back from overgiving. He is keeping his options open, which gives him confidence. See the 8 Dating Rules below.

8 Dating Rules

1. Don’t Close Off Options Too Soon: Date several people at once for at least 3 months. Learn to “leverage” with men/women which means you keep the power and see who will be the best choice.
2. Don’t Chase. He/She will lose respect for you if you do. People like a challenge and if they don’t have to work for it, they don’t think it’s valuable.
3. Don’t invest too much too soon: Don’t decide “He/She is the one!” Don’t trust until you’ve known the person for 6 months to a year and have met his friends, etc. Look for his/her flaws. Also, don’t go to his/her place early on – keep the dates out in public.
4. Don’t give too much. Make sure you get back as much as you give (tit for tat). Relationships get out-of-balance easily and if you overgive, you’ll teach the person to become a “taker,” throwing the relationship out of balance. Keep it equal.
5. Don’t open up any more than the person does: Expose your baggage and complaints about your life at the same rate that he does or you’re throwing the power out of balance.
6. Don’t have sex too soon: You need to give the person time to invest in you emotionally. Wait until at least the 5th date. Also, take the relationship slow like 1 date a week for a month or so, then 2 dates a week, etc. Build the relationship slowly without sex, but with kissing, etc.
7. Don’t mesh your identity with his or hers: Keep your own friends and interests, and be sure this person is willing to equally join your world and respect your differences. Separate identities are necessary to keep the sexual attraction.
8. Don’t keep quiet when you don’t like something. Clearly speak up for what you want as there’s nothing to lose at the beginning. Start training the person now as to how you want to be treated. It’s your job to let the person know when he/she hurts you and that it needs to stop. When you set boundaries, you let others know how to win with you.