Carolyn Bushong, LPC

Facebook X-twitter Instagram Youtube
Carolyn Bushong
Menu
+1 3033331888

Handling Money Issues in a Bad Economy by Carolyn Bushong

Handling Money Issues in a Bad Economy

Most relationship problems become more obvious when there’s a money crisis because people are in a state of fear and agitation. Also, any crisis requires more communication and coordination to work through the issue. Besides, money is the top issue that couples fight about in normal times. Now couples must decide where to cut back, which expenditures take priority, and possibly try to stop the other one from frivolous spending.

If a marriage is already having problems, a crisis like the slow economy can put the nail in the coffin – or at least finally send the couple into getting into therapy. Money is hard enough to manage by yourself, much less when you have to coordinate with someone else and his/her values. Opposites do seem to attract when it comes to values about money, and I’m not sure why. Spenders and Savers seem to couple up again and again and fight about it continually. But the Saver believes he’s right, and resents the Spender, while the Spender often feels guilty, but continues the behavior. If the Saver is the main breadwinner, then he (or she) has the most control, and often acts like a “parent” with the Spender. The Saver usually has a “self-righteous” attitude, like, “everyone knows you shouldn’t spend everything you make, and that it’s crazy to use credit cards, and that a penny saved is a penny earned.” Spenders usually promise they won’t do it again, and then like a rebellious child, go spend more (& try to keep it a secret this time) because they’re mad. The Saver becomes the Controller in the relationship, and the Spender plays the Victim. The Saver/Controller often sets rigid rules while the Spender/Victim becomes passive aggressive, often hiding purchases in the trunk of the car.

How to Resolve Money Issues:

  1. Respect each other’s way of looking at money issues. Yes, we all know that it’s smart to save and plan for the future, but the Spender has a different point of view, often seeing money as something to enjoy immediately. Neither is completely right or wrong. Realize that each of you has a point, and look for compromises instead of faulting each other. Saver: Stop acting like a parent. Spender: explain your belief and demand a compromise. (In this economy, the Spender may need to back off, not giving up your position completely, but look for better compromises, like “I’ll work 4 more hours a week and keep my dance class so it doesn’t take away from our family bills.”)

  2. Set the bank accounts up correctly. It’s best to have 3 bank accounts: His, Hers, and Ours. If all money is “joint” money, there will always be fights. Have a joint account for bills and decide how much each puts in. {If your income is equal, each puts in 50% of what goes out. If not, use a percentage like 60/40 according to money coming in.} Then decide what percentage of each person’s income goes to savings or IRAs or other funds (like college or vacation or new furniture funds). The rest goes into each person’s personal accounts and should be spent as each person wishes, without criticism from their mate.

  3. Make deals around money that you usually fight about, such as:

    1. Each person cannot spend more than $200 from the joint account without checking with each other. (In this economy, the number may need to be less, like $50.)

    2. His golf and her shoes, etc. must always come from the individual personal accounts.

    3. Gifts for friends and family must be kept to a certain amount. (And possibly “no gifts” for each other while money is tight.)

  4. Discuss and clean up any inequities around money, i.e. she works fewer hours and brings in less money, but he shares 50/50 with the housework and resents it, or she makes more of the money and he spends more. Work out a deal that will lessen any resentment on either’s part.

  5. Sit down once every few months and look at the bills together (no matter who pays them.) Plan ahead, deciding what can be cut and what future expenses will be coming up (back- to-school clothes for kids, new tires on the car, etc.) When there are disagreements, negotiate so that some times you win, sometimes he/she does.

The most important thing about any issue, but especially the issue of finances, is that you talk about it with your mate BEFORE IT BECOMES AN ISSUE!!!!

For more information on this topic, get Carolyn’s book Bring Back the Man You Fell in Love With.