Handling Family Differences at Christmas

As we get older and grow and change and grow in different directions, it can be difficult to deal with our families, especially at Christmas, especially if you’re staying with them. It can cause frustration, self-doubt, and arguments. Suppose you sleep late, and they get up early, their favorite food is lasagna and you’re on a diet; you drink and they’re teetotalers, you prefer detective shows on TV and they only watch family-oriented ones, and they want me to find the perfect Christmas gift for each one of them. Yes, I often have some of these issues when I visit my family, and so does my client Lily.

When 31-year-old Lily came back from Thanksgiving with her mom, sister, and stepdad, she was feeling pretty bad about herself. She said, “I’ll never be who they want me to be.” They constantly judge me. They threw a fit when I decided to see my ex-husband for what would have been our anniversary. I drank a lot in high school, so they all think I’m an alcoholic and I can’t even have a glass of wine with dinner. My 12-year-old daughter wants to be with her friends and my family think I should make her hang out with them because they haven’t seen her in a while. My mom had a total meltdown over this because her expectations of me and my daughter weren’t met. Also, I love my sister, but she wants some sort of magical “sister” relationship that we just don’t have. We’re 5 years apart, are totally different people, and have almost nothing in common.”

“I can’t please anybody, so I just withdraw and stay in my old bedroom when I’m there. I know I didn’t even try to meet any of their expectations. They make me feel like something is wrong with me no matter what I do. I’m so anxious while I’m there, and I come back feeling bad about myself. I also miss my dad so much. He passed away years ago, and we were more alike. I don’t know why I go, and I’m supposed to go back at Christmas. Even my daughter doesn’t want to go back.”

I assured her that she is not a bad person because she can’t meet their expectations and that many or most of us feel the same way, and to set the stage in advance so she can possibly avoid the problems.

Lily realizes that no matter what she does, it won’t make them happy. She knows that she has a longing for a connection that seldom happens as well as wishing she would be accepted for who she is. She hasn’t decided for sure whether or not to go. I told her that it sends a double message to go and then hide out in her old bedroom. It is passive/aggressive on her part and only make them judge her more.

Here are tips for handling the differences if you are going home at Christmas.

1. Stay someplace else than the family home if possible, i.e. a hotel, friend or other relative. Then you can keep your power more easily and be with them only when you choose to.
2. Make the trip short, and maybe plan something fun afterwards.
3. Make a plan. If there are family members that you want that close feeling with, schedule pre-planned time with them, i.e. a lunch or drink.
4. Set boundaries ahead of time. It’s good to give your family as many “heads up” about who you are and what you plan to do as is possible, i.e.
   • “I will be sleeping in, so I won’t be getting up for breakfast.”
   • “I will be going out Wednesday night to meet my friends for drinks,”
   • “I’ll be leaving when the football game starts since I don’t like football.”
   • “I’m on a diet, so I won’t be eating every meal with the family.”
   • “I won’t be doing the traditional gift-giving this year. I’d prefer you not get me a gift either, but if you want me to participate, I will and I’ll get everyone gift cards.
   • “No criticizing me or complaining to me while I’m there. If you do, I’ll say, ‘You’re doing it again,’ and I’ll walk away.”
   • “Let’s make a point to be kind to each other and try to have fun.”
5. Be yourself and don’t apologize for it. “Mom, you know that’s who I am.”

Lily feels better knowing that she has choices. She has already called her mom and set a boundary about staying in a hotel and using gift cards. She’s no longer going to try and please them or buy their love, as it never works anyway. She knows she’s different than they are and likes who she is, not who they want her to be. She is now accepting herself for who she is, which comes from breaking her need for their acceptance. And most importantly, she no longer feels bad about not meeting their expectations at the holidays or any time in the future.