We may be in love with our mate, but spending 24/7 together can bring out the worst in us. Then add kids home from school to the mix and all hell can break loose. Let’s review some relationship tips to help everyone get along during this difficult time.
During this pandemic, couples are arguing about a multitude of things, i.e. chores, fun, activities, their kids and how to handle all the non-quality time together. One client is fighting with her husband over cooking, wanting him to help, but wants him to do it her way, and he’s not willing. Another client is still working and in the middle of a divorce with all the craziness that can involve. After getting a restraining order, she also moved her dad in for his sake as well as for protection, but it’s now stressing her out. One couple is arguing about which house they should social distance in. She still has young kids, but his house is bigger and near his friends.
Another client recently ended it with her boyfriend and is back on www.Match.com, but says at 60 and staying at home looking natural (white hair, no makeup and in sweats), she feels she has aged so much that she’s getting very few hits. In fact she recently got two messages asking her to play Mrs. Claus next Christmas. Guess she needs to use an old picture.
Then there are those couples and family members who just disagree about how to handle this coronavirus – whether they can go to the grocery store, whether or not to wear masks, and some about whether they can have drinks with neighbors in the driveway or not.
Remember that this is not your family’s fault, it’s very important not to take your irritation or depression out on each other. Alan and I are getting along well, but most of his golf buddies wives won’t let them play golf now. Sometimes if he and I do get irritable (which everyone does during a time like this), we learned long ago to calm the situation and call a truce by saying, “Let’s not do this to each other.” And it works because we stop taking it personally.
It’s also important when you do something wrong or fly off the handle that you admit your mistake and apologize, even with your children. Remember this is not a competition of right and wrong, but a time to work together.
Things To Do: Communicate with each other.
See the 4 Steps of Healthy Communication below (from Carolyn’s book The Seven Dumbest Relationship Mistakes Smart People Make)
We know that communication is important to every relationship, yet we do not always know how to communicate effectively. Even when we think we have expressed ourselves, what we mean to say often gets lost in how we say it. Speaking in vague, sweeping generalities, simply venting our emotions, or just plain nagging does not work. To be sure that your partner understands you fully, make a habit of voicing concerns in these four steps:
Step 1. Express yourself: “I feel
[a specific emotion] whenever you [specify exactly what he does].” Say how you feel, and identify who and what makes you feel that way. Own the feeling and be specific (do not say, “You make me so angry”), and don’t attack (never say, “You’re selfish”). Ideally, your communication would begin, “I feel angry when you ask me to change my plans to accommodate yours.”
Step 2. State what you want: “I want
[a specific behavior].” When you state exactly what you want, you avoid the Dumb Mistake of expecting your mate to read your mind. Statements along the lines of “I want you to spend more time with me doing the things that I enjoy,” “I want you to phone me when you think you will be late for dinner,” or “I want us to have sex more often” leave little room for argument and defuse the classic defense: “What do you want me to do about it?”
Step 3. Ask for a commitment: “Will you
{give me what I want — be even more specific]’!'” This is the only way to find out whether he has heard you and whether he intends to consider or comply with your request. “Will you spend more time going to places that I want to go, such as my office party next Friday night?” “Will you phone me next time you know you will be late?” and “Will you have sex with me tonight?” are specific, to the point, and should yield a clear yes or no. If you get strong resistance or a halfhearted commitment — “I don’t know if I can, but I’ll try” then proceed to step 4.
Step 4. Outline the consequences of your mate’s reluctance or refusal to commit himself to change: “If not, I will
[state specifically what you will do].” This step tells him you are serious about your request. You might say, “If you won’t spend more time with me doing things I like to do, I will make plans to spend that time with other people”; “If you don’t call when you are late, I will assume you are not coming and will make other plans”; or “If you don’t want to commit yourself to having a better sex life with me, I will leave this relationship and find someone else who does.” If you really want to get what you want, you must have a plan to cover what you will do if you don’t get it. If you don’t follow the plan when the time comes, you will remain in the dependent role. This strategy strikes some women as needlessly aggressive, but this is because we are taught that if we present men with ultimatums, they will leave us. In fact, few of us ever put this doctrine to the test, and in failing to do so, we relinquish control over both our relationship and our lives. It’s true — most people do react negatively to ultimatums; after all, no one likes to hear that there will be consequences for his or her next transgression. But issuing an ultimatum throws the ball into your mate’s court and lets him know what you will do in response to his next play. At the very least, you make clear that you are holding him accountable for his behavior. In the process, you eliminate the fear of the unknown, since you know exactly what you will do the next time he behaves this way.
Change the Deals.
During the stay-at-home order, the deals that you’ve made in the past or that you’ve assumed as far as housework, cooking, money, the kids, or whatever probably need to be changed. Just because she always did the laundry or he did the yard work doesn’t mean the deal can’t be changed under these circumstances. Be sure you keep the deals fair and equal or your partner will become resentful and that can destroy the relationship. For instance, the answer for the couple fighting over whose house to socially distance in needed to be equal. Or, they can make a deal such as “If you’ll come to my house, I’ll promise to do all the cooking.” Both of them could show reasons they are right, but there is no right and wrong here, only what they agree on that they think is fair. Also, don’t go overboard in trying to please your mate by doing too much and sacrificing for your mate and then play martyr as you will end up resenting him or her as well. Compromise is the answer, not either person being controlling, critical, sarcastic or whiny. If you’re unhappy with a plan, communicate that and try to re-negotiate and change the deal.
Don’t Take Your Mate for Granted.
It’s all too easy to stop appreciating what we’ve got. Because someone is kind or helpful is not a reason to take him or her for granted and not be appreciative. Often when we’re secure in a relationship, we stop being grateful, considerate, affectionate, etc. Add “please” and “thank you” back into your vocabulary and model it for your kids.
Not only during this pandemic, but always show respect ad appreciation for your mate. Remember to have the attitude, “It’s you and me against the world” because right now it feels like it truly is.
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