Characteristics of a Dysfunctional Relationship:
(from the book Bring Back the Man You Fell in Love With by Carolyn Bushong, page 29)
Do you have any, or all, of these issues in your relationship?
- Each partner believes it’s the other’s partner’s fault.
- One partner plays controller, the other plays victim.
- Each partner displays “bad” behavior with the other.
- Neither partner is solution-oriented.
- Each person’s insecurities are tapped into by the other person.
- Neither partner ever feels as if he or she can win.
- Both partners feel increasingly bad about themselves and their mate.
- Each person holds on to his or her irrational beliefs.
- Neither believes he or she should have to compromise.
- Each partner increasingly resents and disrespects the other.
Dysfunctional Relationships usually involve one partner behaving in a controlling way and the other partner becoming passive and letting it happen and even playing victim. Both behaviors are unhealthy of course. It used to be about controlling men and passive women, but things have changed. Now it’s almost as common for women to be the controllers as it is the men. My client Mary couldn’t understand why her husband always rebels against her. The dynamic had turned into her acting like his mother & him acting like a rebellious son.
Often issues with your mate will come out stronger than usual during the holidays because of more time together and the stress of family issues. Everyday life has a way of keeping arguments at bay whereas holidays and more time together brings them to a head.
How to Fix It
Almost every dysfunctional relationship has one main thing about it. It’s an out-of-balance relationship, meaning that one person is playing the “role” of controller and the other plays the “role” of victim. But it only takes one person to change the dynamic. When this happens the relationship will change – which is what scares people. It will either get better OR end. Your change will change the dysfunction as there is no one to play off of.
But if he/she will listen, discuss the “dysfunctional” dynamic and explain how you won’t play the role of controller or victim anymore. Say, “Instead of fighting about issues, let’s negotiate with each other and make deals.” I know it sounds simpler than it is as many people are in denial about the issues, but you can stop fighting & say, “Let me know when you want to work this issue out together.” Also, many of these issues can be resolved quickly in a couples’ counseling session.
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