Inside this Newsletter:

• Carolyn's back on the radio! KYGO 98.5FM! Therapy Thursdays, 7:30am!

• Christmas-Look at Your Family!

• Q & A: Christmas Gifts

• Handling Four Christmas's  

• About Carolyn

By Carolyn Bushong

It’s a fact that we think about our family relationships more during the holidays than probably any other time of the year.  Most of us wish those relationships were better than they are. 

Most of us have unrealistic and “fantasized” expectations about the holidays that seldom pan out.  We all want to feel close and loved by our families, but often that’s not the case.  Even memories of past holidays are often glorified in our minds because we forget about the fights we’ve had over the years and just hope it will be different this year.  We work hard to remember the good times and forget about the bad.

We also often believe that other people have the Norman Rockwell Christmas, so why can’t we?  Actually not that many people get the Christmas fantasy, or if they do, it’s only every once in awhile.  There’s almost always some sort of situation -- whether it’s a recent divorce, a recent death, or a recent major family fight over something that probably is not really that important – that creates an uncomfortable situation. 

It’s not that our families don’t love us, it’s just that there are many unresolved issues that rise to the surface again once we’re all together.  Because we usually forget about the issues with our family when we haven’t seen them for awhile, we often get blindsided year after year, forgetting what might happen with a certain relative, instead of preparing for it in advance.  You may have forgotten how critical your mom is until she comments again about your weight or how much wine you’re drinking.  You may forget how jealous your sister is until she starts making remarks about “Who do you think you are?”  Your dad’s controlling ways may seem kind of normal until you have to face them again and realize that he always has to have his way.  And you may forget how much your brother has to brag about his work to remind you that you aren’t quite as successful as he is. 

These issues come up more at the holidays when emotions run high and especially if you haven’t seen your family in awhile.  But that doesn’t make it hurt any less.  In fact, the issues hurt more because of the time of the year.  Besides, we’re much more vulnerable when we’re on their territory and feeling trapped – it reminds us of who we were and who we don’t want to be.

What You Can Do About it

• Think ahead about what your family may do to you (from what they’ve done in the past), and set boundaries, i.e. “Mother, I will be having wine with dinner while I’m there, and I don’t want any comments from you.” Or, “I have put on a few pounds since last year and I don’t want you making me feel bad about it. Promise me you won’t comment on my weight!”
  
• Don’t be too dependent on them while you’re there, i.e. don’t stay at their house with no transportation or way out (friend or other family member to turn to). Have a rental car and a backup plan!
  
• Have a talk with yourself before you see them and promise yourself not to let them get to you. You really are a strong, capable, attractive person, instead of the person you may feel like when you’re around them.
  
• Do not put up with anyone treating you badly just so you can keep the peace. Don’t let your family make you feel 8-years-old again. Instead, speak up for yourself even if you don’t feel strong: fake it ‘til you make it.

Make yourself a promise to get through this holiday with your self-esteem intact. But whatever family issues do come up, make a pact with yourself not to ignore them until next Christmas. In fact, promise yourself to clean up the issues and set boundaries with your family before you forget all about them again. Ignoring them does not make them go away. In fact, even when you’re not around your family, these conflicts affect you on a daily basis and in all of your personal relationships. Use this time of the year to step out of your comfort zone and into realizations you have about the dysfunction in your family and how it still affects you. Then commit to changing it!

Question: 
He gives me presents he wants to give me instead of what I want.  How do I tell him that I don’t like this without hurting his feelings?

A past client of mine recently emailed me and said that she and her husband are now doing quite well since their therapy with me, but that she has an issue that continues to irritate her:  he never gets her what she really wants for Christmas.  She says she gave him a list of things she wants, and sees nothing that could be any of those things under the tree.  In fact, she instead saw him bring in several Zales bags, which she assumes has expensive jewelry in them.  She has made it clear to him again and again that she no longer believes in wearing expensive jewelry and doesn’t want him to buy any for her.  She’s upset because he thinks it romantic to buy her jewelry anyway.  I think maybe he’s watching too many of those ads on TV that brainwash men into thinking this. 

My Advice: 
This is a very difficult situation because he is doing what he believes is the good romantic thing to do, and to be honest, many women would really love this.  Christmas is very close, but you can hint and remind him that you were really looking forward to getting that……..new computer (or whatever it is you want).  But, it probably won’t change anything at this point.  If you actually won’t wear the jewelry, open it and tell him how beautiful it is, but remind him that you really don’t wear much of that anymore.  Tell him your feelings about wearing expensive jewelry in a time when so many people are hurting financially, and that you’re just not comfortable doing that (or whatever your reason is).  Then tell him that you don’t want him to be upset, but that you are going to take it back and buy the new computer that you really wanted.  This should help him get it for next year or the next gift situation.  You can keep the jewelry if you really like it and tell him not to do it again, but I assume you have done that before, which reinforces that he really is doing the right thing.  Even if he gets angry and says, “Most women would be thrilled to get those diamond ear rings!”  Say that you agree with him, but that you aren’t most women and you really need him to listen to you from now on about the types of gifts you want -- and that’s why you’re taking the jewelry back this year.  He’ll get over it, and hopefully change his pattern.

If you want to participate in this discussion, or ask other advice open to discussion, go to my  Fan Page on Facebook

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Carolyn Bushong, L.P.C.
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