Inside this Newsletter:
Message from Carolyn:
Happy summer, even though it
hasn't felt like summer this July here in Colorado with
all the rain and cool weather. We actually turned our
heat on the other night. Unbelievable. But my grass is
I've been super busy since
we got back to Colorado from Tucson in mid-May. My new
office on Colorado Blvd did not work out because of poor
sound-proofing, so I moved to 44 Cook Street in Cherry
Creek in June and that has been great. (Click
here for directions to my new office). I will be
here in Denver and at that office for two more months. I
have office hours at 44 Cook Street on Wednesdays from
noon to 7pm and phone counseling on Tuesdays and
Thursdays from noon to 7pm. The phone counseling part of
my business has been increasing over the past few years
because I'm being found through internet searches
related to my online relationship articles and past TV
www.youtube.com. New phone clients have recently
found me through searches for daddy issues, toxic women,
and controlling men. I have more than 50 free articles
on various relationship topics on my website
www.carolynsays.com and more than a hundred free
I've enjoyed being back in
Colorado this summer. Alan and I have partied a lot with
friends, and we've made several trips up to Blackhawk,
staying free several nights at Ameristar and actually
winning a little money. I also threw a karaoke slumber
party with girlfriends (Alan fled to a buddy's house for
golf for the weekend), and me and the girls still sing
every week. I've also enjoyed my gardening and the
wildlife. (See pix of begonias & hummingbird and mamma
deer with baby below.) And Alan and I have really
enjoyed spending time this summer with our grandson,
David Wayne, who is two-years-old. (See a touching
picture of Alecia and David Wayne below.)
The movie "50 Shades of Grey" is coming out soon and a
client of mine was in an S&M relationship a few years
ago. She's agreed to write an article for a future
newsletter about how a relationship like this actually
works and what it can do to your psyche.
I'm still giving expert quotes to the magazines and in
June 2, 2014 issue of Life & Style, I was quoted in
the article "Miley Breaks Down Over Liam." And in the
August 4 issue of In Touch, I'm quoted in the article,
"Ellen & Portia's Final Bid for Happiness: They're
Having a Baby." See both below.
Remember, you can send me topic ideas or an email
question and I'll respond in one of my future
newsletters. Below I've answered two questions, one about
friends vs. lovers and the other about handling a woman
who is angry all the time.
Hope we finally get some warm weather in August and that
everyone has a wonderful rest of their summer!
Men Who Love
woman's book titled Women Who Love Too Much (When You Keep
Wishing and Hoping He'll Change) was published in 1985 by Robin
Norwood. It was about women who give too much, try too hard, and
rush relationships. They think that their loving, overgiving
behaviors will win him over. We all know women like that and have
maybe even been one ourselves. Back then there wasn't much talk
about men who behaved this way. Men have always had issues too, but
back then most men were emotionally unavailable and didn't talk
about their relationships the way women did. They also tried harder
to hide any neediness they might feel because it wasn't manly. But
times have changed and many of my male clients are now "men who love
too much." They now do what women used to do--try to hard--but they
do it in different ways. Most women who love too much will clean and
cook and try to anticipate his every need, but men usually start by
throwing money around. They buy women gifts, pay for trips, and
often rescue them financially by paying their rent and/or other
personal expenses. They may also start fixing things a round their
house and trying to guide their future. These men search for any way
they can feel needed. The problem is that this teaches the woman to
use him, abuse him, and seldom give anything back. In fact, she
usually asks for more and more.
Women who give too much end up hurt and their self-esteem suffers.
Not that this doesn't happen to men as well, but men also usually
get very angry when they don't get back the love they think they
deserve. Not that their anger isn't appropriate (although it should
have been expressed earlier when her bad behavior began), but they
need to also look at their own behavior and choices. Many men don't
understand that trying to buy women attracts only gold diggers or
"takers." These men are setting up a lose/lose situation because as
she takes and never gives back, he feels more unloved.
Both women and men who love too much have serious rejection issues.
Three of my Denver male clients suffering from this malady have had
serious rejection issues with both their mothers and fathers. This
leaves them needy and likely to chase after rejecting mates who will
treat them the same way their parents (and sometimes even siblings
did). When we have unfinished business with our families, we are
likely to unconsciously choose mates like them, trying to finish
that business. But without therapy, we usually can't see or own
pattern and just keep repeating it indefinitely.
What to do:
Donít Close Off Options Too Soon:
Date several people at once for
at least 3 months so you don't glorify her, invest in her too much,
or think she's the one.
Donít give too much. Make sure you get back as much as you give.
Try to keep all of your relationships equal, financially,
Donít date women that don't support themselves.
expect you to do all of the giving.
Donít rush the relationship or have sex too soon:
You need to get
to know her gradually and slowly, as well as her family and friends,
before you attach. Take time to see the red flags.
Donít have blinders on. When she does something that concerns
you, speak up immediately. Don't wait until she feels comfortable
treating you that way.
Donít continue to allow family members or friends to use or abuse
you. You need to confront the person or persons in your family who
have rejected you so you can break this pattern for good.
Related articles and books:
Loving Him Without Losing
The 7 Dumbest Relationship Mistakes
Smart People Make: Chapter 3: Mistake Number
One: Forcing Intimacy.
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Quotes About Celebrities
In Touch Weekly
August 4, 2014
Ellen & Portia's Final Bid for Happiness - They're Having
Carolyn was quoted as saying:
"Having a baby to save a marriage almost never
works. It gives people one more thing to have resentment
about and just adds problems to an already troubled
Read more >>>
Life & Style Weekly
June 2, 2014
Miley Breaks Down Over Liam
Carolyn was quoted as saying:
"Miley is ranting because she's still in love with
Liam. Women do that! They want to tell him to go f---
himself. They want to hurt him. Later women apologize."
Read more >>>
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Thanks doesn't seem quite sufficient but
words are escaping me. We've learned so much in the last couple
years that it's hard to encapsulate. I am standing up for myself
more, my husband and I are communicating better with each other and
with our kids. We are working hard to catch our own bad behavior.
And we are stopping ourselves in the middle of an argument to
correct behavior. We still have a long way to go (and we know that)
but we are willing to put in the time and effort. You have given us
some great tools and taught us a lot and we really appreciate it!
Now it's our turn to do the hard work.
~ R&K, California, Phone clients
Return to top >>>
always angry, should I leave her?
Carolyn, I need your help. I
have a girlfriend that gets angry easily and lately seems to
be angry all the time. When she gets angry, I get hurt and
really upset because I don't like to see her that way. When
someone pisses her off, she gets angry at everybody,
including me. If I ask her what's wrong, she says nothing
but won't talk to me. I never know if she's mad at me or
someone else. We go for days with no communication and then
I think she doesn't care about me. Finally she'll call and
act like nothing happened and I go along with it. I don't
know what to do. I can't keep doing this. I don't know
whether to stick with her or leave. Please I need your
First of all, don't go along
with acting like nothing happened when she calls you back as
it lets the pattern continue. It seems like your girlfriend
has some serious communication problems, especially when it
comes to anger. I'm assuming she has some unresolved issues
with her family or exes that cause her to get angry so much.
If you know what they are, bring this up to her, suggesting
she try and fix those issues. It's common, but very
unhealthy of course, for people to hold in their anger (not
expressing it to the people who have hurt them) and then
take it out on the people they care about. If you haven't
already, you need to tell her how it makes you feel and also
that it is not okay for her to take her anger out on you.
Then you'll have to set a boundary by letting her know that
you want her to talk to you when she's angry and that if she
doesn't, you will not spend time with her when she's like
this. Then each time she behaves this way, pull away,
reminding her of what you said, i.e. "You're doing it again,
and like I told you, unless you're willing to talk to me
about what's going on, I'm going home." Tell her to contact
you when she's ready to talk and/or be nice to you again. If
this doesn't change her behavior, tell her that the only way
you will continue the relationship is if she will get some
help (counseling) so she can figure out why she acts like
this and hopefully fix the problem. You are being healthy by
confronting the problem instead of just walking away.
However, if you try these things and her behavior doesn't
change, and she won't get any help, then you have no choice
but to end the relationship.
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Q&A: Are We
Friends or Lovers?
I met this guy on the rebound
and I slept with him the first night. I thought it was just
a one-night thing, but we've now been having sex for 14
months. The problem is that he says he just wants to be
friends but I want more than that. In fact, I've fallen in
love with him. My friends say I should just give him some
time to fall in love with me too, but his attitude really
annoys me. What should I do? Should I wait for him?
Do not wait for him to come
around as it won't happen. By having sex on the first date,
you set it up for it to be only a sexual relationship, so
remember that for the next time. Men are comfortable
separating love and sex, whereas women have more difficulty
doing that. Besides, always listen to a man when he tells
you that he just wants to be friends as he is telling you
that there is no future. It may be because he's been hurt
and has issues or it may just be because he's just using you
for sex. You are allowing him to take you for granted. When
a man can use you and you don't demand anything back, he
loses respect for you. Respect is a big part of love. To
gain some respect and obtain some power in the relationship
you need to set some boundaries with him. Tell him that if
you are "just friends," then there is no more sex, as you
don't want to be friends with benefits. Pull away and be
busy and start dating. Don't talk to him or text as often,
and when you do communicate, tell him how much fun you are
having without him, and talk about the men you date. Make it
clear that you only want to see him if he is willing to
"date" you and admit you are in a relationship and plan for
the future. If he says he's afraid, insist he talk about his
fears so the two of you can work them through. If he says he
doesn't see you that way or doesn't start chasing after you
when you pull away, he was just using you and you have to
Return to top >>>
How to Play
the Dating Game
How to Play the Dating Game:
And When to Stop Playing the Game
Learn how to make a man want you by rejecting him, the
Dating Game: The program, how to handle the situation and
how to know if heís the right one.
Quiz: Does Your Dating Style Leave Something to be
The Dating Game: What to Do
When to stop playing the game
Carolyn Bushong, L.P.C, is an expert on
relationships and a licensed therapist. She is known for being one
of the top relationship therapists in the country and the author of
3 relationship books. She has appeared on Oprah, the View, and many
other TV shows, and she has been giving relationship advice on
Denver radio for more than15 years. She has been helping people like
you improve your life and relationships for more than 30 years.
Cosmo, US Weekly and other magazines quote her expert relationship
advice, and McCallís named her one of the ďTop 6 Passion DoctorsĒ in
the country. Carolyn Bushong always has fresh, up-to-date, hot
information on topics that will inspire you and change your life and
improve your relationships. She has clients all over the country,
some who come into her office and others who receive Carolyn's
expert advice through phone counseling. Carolyn Bushong is an
excellent psychotherapist, but she also lives what she teaches, as
she is in a happy, healthy relationship with Alan, her mate of 27
You can find articles by Carolyn on her
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How to get Carolyn Bushong's Relationship Advice:
Individual Counseling: l hour or Ĺhr sessions in office
or phone, Health Insurance covers a portion. Couples Counseling:
1 Ĺ hr. sessions, Health Ins. covers a portion.
Purchase Carolyn Bushong's books: for sale in her office,
website or B&N.com.
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Phone Counseling is a great way to do therapy, especially for
the really busy person who's constantly on the go, or the person who
is shy or hesitant to talk about their problem, or when the weather
is bad and you don't want to drive to a therapist's office. It just
makes sense in this day and age to be able to call and discuss a
problem and get advice on a situation with having to leave work and
drive to my office.
Email Advice: Visit
Carolyn's website for more information.
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