May 2014

Inside this Newsletter:


Message from Carolyn:

Alan & I are driving back to Colorado in a few days and we can't believe that we might hit a giant snowstorm. That's why we waited a few weeks longer to come back this year. On Mother's Day, the high in Denver is supposed to be 42 degrees with snow the night before, and down here in Tucson, the high will be 84 degrees and 100 degrees by the end of the week. We are glad we're not staying for the 100 degrees however, and everyone here is dreading it of course.

I will start office hours in Denver again next Thursday, May 15, noon to 7pm. See the info below on my new office.

In my last newsletter, I wrote an article called "Training a Woman," in response to John viewing my video on YouTube titled "Training a Man." See below for the readers comments in response to John's comments and my article.

I continue to give quotes to the national magazines and recently commented on Tori Spelling's marital problems in the May 12 issue of Life & Style. See below. I also have a quote coming out in the next issue of Life & Style on the stands May 15 regarding Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt's marriage.

I hope all the mothers out there had a wonderful Mother's Day, including my 88-year-old mother who still goes dancing on Friday nights!

Will see you soon!

Carolyn

New Office in Cherry Creek starting Thurs, May 15th

New Office Address:

Galleria Office Towers
720 S. Colorado Blvd, Suite 610 (South Tower)
Denver, CO 80246
303-333-1888

Directions:

Carolyn Bushong Psychotherapy Associates, Inc. is located inside the offices of Denver Integrated Therapies at the beautiful Galleria Office Towers at 720 S. Colorado Blvd (Suite 610, South Tower) in Cherry Creek. My new office is conveniently located at the corner of Colorado Blvd and Exposition. Heading north, take the Colorado Blvd exit off I-25, go north on Colorado for 1 mile. The Galleria will be on your right (East) at the stoplight. Heading south, take I-25S to the 6th Avenue East exit, going through the edge of Cherry Creek to Colorado Blvd (or from I-70, take the Colorado Blvd South exit), then go south on Colorado Blvd going 1 block south of Cherry Creek Drive on Colorado Blvd to Exposition and turn left (East) at the stoplight. You can’t miss the large golden twin towers from any direction.

Free visitor parking is located in the parking ramp connected to the Galleria Office Towers. Once inside the building, take a right at the security desk to the south tower elevators on your left. My office is located inside Denver Integrated Therapies just outside the 6th floor elevator doors in Office # 5. Make yourself comfortable in the reception area and help yourself to coffee or tea while you wait for me to get you for your appointment.

Office Hours:

Thursday, May 15, noon to 7pm
Tuesday, May 20, noon to 7pm
Tuesdays after that, noon to 7pm
Other days and times may be possible
Phone therapy available Weds and Thurs, noon to 7pm

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I'm Only Human

My Denver client Susie is an attractive, smart woman who is a good mom and is actually doing very well in her life, but she comes to see me for counseling because she has difficulty thinking that she has to be perfect -- forgetting that she's only human. And I have to remind her. Like many people, especially women, she beats herself up because she can't get everything done or be the perfect person she wishes she could be.

Susie is a single mom of two little girls, whom she adores, but like all of us, she can't seem to accomplish all that she wishes she could. Sometimes she has guilt about not being a good enough mom. Sometimes her frustration is at work and getting behind. Sometimes it's those 15 pounds she wants to lose or her sugar binges or that she didn't fit exercise in today or the fact that she likes to have a few drinks at the end of the day when she puts the girls to bed. It doesn't help that her mother regularly reminds her that she could do a better job at parenting (even though her mom wasn't the best of moms of course) or that she shouldn't be drinking. And then of course Susie knows she isn't getting any younger. At 47 she feels pressure (mostly by others) to find a good man to share her life with. But she can't imagine fitting one more thing into her life right now, especially someone who will want something from her, or worse, try to judge or control her -- since she does a good job of that herself. After all, that's why she chose artificial insemination to have her twins, so she wouldn't have to deal with some man telling her how to raise them. And that's a decision she's still happy about.

Susie has difficulty realizing that most people feel the way she does -- like they're supposed to be perfect. Christina Perri's new song, Human, talks about how you can try to be what someone else wants you to be, but in the end, it catches up to you because you're "only human."

I can bite my tongue
....I can fake a smile
I can force a laugh
I can dance and play the part
If that's what you ask
Give you all I am
I can do it, I can do it, I can do it

But I'm only human
And I bleed when I fall down
I'm only human
And I crash and I break down
.....Cause I'm only human

Sure we all need to learn from our own mistakes and try to improve our lives, but not according to what others think we should or shouldn't do. We have to stay true to our own values and beliefs. Besides, people always love to tell other people what they should and shouldn't do. It gives them a sense of power. And it's easier to try to run someone else's life than run their own. Don't believe them when they say they are just giving you healthy criticism -- there's no such thing as unsolicited healthy criticism. People who judge others are rigid and insecure about their own lives. They are easily manipulated by rules and judgments of others and they get to feel self-righteous by telling you what to do.

Most of us feel pressure to be perfect since we've been criticized by others most of our lives. Often when we start to feel good about ourselves, someone (often a family member) will say or do something that pushes one of our buttons and reminds us that we're not perfect. That's what Susie's mom does.

We often forgive others much easier than we can forgive ourselves. We say, "I know he didn't mean to do it," or, "She has a lot on her mind these days." We understand and excuse others who aren't perfect, but not ourselves.

It's our job to protect ourselves from others' criticisms and demand that others accept us as we are. We can't let anyone lay his or her value judgments on us. We have to tell ourselves and let others know: "I'm only human, and so are you. I make mistakes, but so do you. I want you to stop pointing mine out -- or I might have to tell you what's wrong with you."

Susie said this to her mom. And, surprisingly, her mom has backed off. And without her mom's criticism, she's not being as hard on herself. She's starting to realize that she would never judge anyone else as badly as she judges herself and that it's time to not only accept and appreciate her humanness, but to treat herself the way she wants others to treat her. After all, she's only human -- just like the rest of us.

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Reader Responses to "Training a Woman"

In my last newsletter, I wrote an article called "Training a Woman," in response to John viewing my video on YouTube titled "Training a Man. Below is John's comment about my article and it started some banter from other readers in response to his comments.

Comment from John, the viewer who asked the question about training a woman:

I really enjoyed your article, there are points I agree with and others that I don't. I understand that Operant Conditioning needs to happen in order to modify/change someone's behavior. It doesn't work with women now days however, since they say they "don't need a man" and in my opinion are becoming more narcissistic, and ego driven.

Response from Michael:

John is right. Social media popularity contest has empowered women in as if their egos are on crack in the fast lane with no brakes or barriers. Evolutionarily speaking, women used to be lucky to find a man in her village who gave safety and security. In order for her to replace him she had barrier (travel etc) and thus small numbers in the field of chances to find another and she felt risk of loss if she didn't essentially do her historical part. Only recently, last 5 years, have the constraints of ease of replacement been reduced to almost zero. NO BASE EVOLUTION could possibly take place in 5 years, not even 100, so they have power their core wiring takes as an endless supply of ready replacements. Social media delivers 10-100 times more candidates to her than him, particularly if she's perceived as beautiful. Any narcissistic tendencies take that crack as just what they've waited for a million years to experience. With 1 in 6 supposedly a narcissist, one might say we are experiencing an epidemic that not been labeled as such yet. I have little doubt this disequilibrium and empowerment of the Narcs will accelerate even more in the short run. It's very interesting to watch and not so nice to experience.

Response from Shauna:

The reason they don't "need a man, are becoming narcissistic, etc" is because people are letting them get away with that stuff instead of not putting up with it. Besides, who wants to be with someone who is going to have that attitude and not change/become a better partner anyway?

Response from Theresa:

I would like to comment on John's statement about women not needing a man. I feel that women say this sometimes to protect themselves. I have accomplished a lot on my own without a man, but given my past relationships it is strengthen me in a lot aspects. I have always been in controlling relationships and a lot of times my opinion did not matter. So instead of letting down our guard we say this to keep what we have accomplished protected. There are things that I have accomplished that I wish I would have had someone say what a great job you did or say how proud of me they are (kinda hard to keep patting myself on my back) but then it also makes me proud to say I did this on my own. It is hard to start sharing our time, space and independence with another person whether it be a man or a women. I think this becomes our issue to learn how to start letting someone in and get out of the safe zone in our life's. Maybe when a women says this to you take a look at her situation and see why she might be saying this.

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Carolyn's Magazine Quotes about Celebrities

 

InTouch Weekly - April 14, 2014 - Why Gwyneth & Chris Really Split

In the May 12, 2014 issue of In Touch (pp 32-33), I commented about Tori Spelling's marital problems The quote: Rebuild trust. "This could mean Dean giving Tori access to his phone, and promising to talk to her when he feels upset, rather than turning to sex."

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About Carolyn

Carolyn Bushong, L.P.C, is an expert on relationships and a licensed therapist. She is known for being one of the top relationship therapists in the country and the author of 3 relationship books. She has appeared on Oprah, the View, and many other TV shows, and she has been giving relationship advice on Denver radio for more than15 years. She has been helping people like you improve your life and relationships for more than 30 years. Cosmo, US Weekly and other magazines quote her expert relationship advice, and McCall’s named her one of the “Top 6 Passion Doctors” in the country. Carolyn Bushong always has fresh, up-to-date, hot information on topics that will inspire you and change your life and improve your relationships. She has clients all over the country, some who come into her office and others who receive Carolyn's expert advice through phone counseling. Carolyn Bushong is an excellent psychotherapist, but she also lives what she teaches, as she is in a happy, healthy relationship with Alan, her mate of 26 years.

You can find articles by Carolyn on her website and Examiner.com.

FOLLOW ME ON FACEBOOK as I post all of my articles there.


How to get Carolyn Bushong's Relationship Advice:

Individual Counseling: l hour or ½hr sessions in office or phone, Health Insurance covers a portion. Couples Counseling: 1 ½ hr. sessions, Health Ins. covers a portion.
Purchase Carolyn Bushong's books: for sale in her office,
on her website or B&N.com.
Subscribe to free email newsletter:
www.carolynsays.com

Phone Counseling is a great way to do therapy, especially for the really busy person who's constantly on the go, or the person who is shy or hesitant to talk about their problem, or when the weather is bad and you don't want to drive to a therapist's office. It just makes sense in this day and age to be able to call and discuss a problem and get advice on a situation with having to leave work and drive to my office.

Email Advice: Visit Carolyn's website for more information.

303-333-1888

 Carolyn's Relationship Books

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Contact Carolyn Bushong at
303-333-1888