October 29, 2010
Inside this Newsletter:
Message from Carolyn:
Happy Halloween! I think this will be the first Halloween that it
hasn’t snowed since I’ve lived here. It’s been a wonderful – warm &
sunny – fall this year! I moved my flowers into my greenhouse with
sunlight bulbs to try and keep them blooming through the winter.
Some of my clients have Seasonal Affective Disorder (SAD) which is
already causing them to get depressed as the days of sunlight get
shorter. One client says her “light box” works pretty well for this.
I have a little of this myself and go into my greenhouse and
deadhead with those sunlight bulbs shining down on me and the
plants, which helps. If you have this problem (SAD), try some cheap
sunlight bulbs you can pick up at Home Depot or Wal-Mart.
When the seasons change, we often get a feeling that we want change
in our lives as well. Maybe we consider going back to school to take
a class or improving our marriage or working on self-esteem, or
figuring out why we keep repeating the same mistakes in our dating
situation. Fall often motivates us to change something in our lives
that has needed to be changed for a long time. This can be a healthy
As a Marriage Counselor, I see some of the same problems over and
over, of course. Mainly, I have women who complain about their
husbands being unemotional (and sometimes men who say their wives
are too emotional). If this is true about your guy (or you’re one of
these guys), see my article below on “Getting Men to Share
As a Dating Coach, I also see the same mistakes happening again and
again. That’s why I’ve finally written an ebook on
How to Play the Dating
Game, which is now on sale on my website at
www.carolynsays.com. But I’ve also gotten involved with a new
group called Daters Anonymous who is offering some free dating
information for my clients. See article below.
You may have heard that Barbara Billingsley (TV’s June Cleaver from
the early 60’s show Leave it to Beaver.) died last week at 93. I
had the pleasure of meeting her back in 1994 when we did a TV show
called Mike and Maty (in LA) on the topic of “How Real Moms can
Learn from TV moms.” (See
more on this and a photo of us below.)
Information from Experts!
I have become involved with a group called Daters Anonymous Live.
This group is selling a book on internet dating called Daters
Anonymous Live! (See photo – I love those red high heels!) To
promote the book, they are also producing a series of free
world-wide seminars on dating with top experts from around the
world. I am proud to say I was invited to be one of the speakers,
and I am speaking at the webinar on Thursday, November 4 on
Celebrity Dating, and have recorded a Q&A for the series on “What
Women do Wrong in Dating and How to Fix it.” I’m also offering a
free ebook How
to Play the Dating Game as a part of this online book
campaign series. You can also purchase both my ebook and link to
Daters Anonymous Live! on my website at
will also be able to download my podcast along with many others when
you register for the series.
If you’re single, this is a fantastic way to learn techniques and
tips about dating and get the inside scoop about men, love and
dating from many experts, including me. Plus it will be great fun!
This series of interviews is available FREE for a limited time with
experts from all over the world speaking about love and
relationships on audio you can download.
It can be a challenge navigating the unknown roads of dating.
Listening to these experts as they discuss love and relationships
from many different perspectives will get you thinking about how you
are managing your own relationships….
In this series of interviews, relationship experts and award winning
writers such as Susan Shapiro, Steve Nakamoto, Dr Jackie Black,
Katherin Scott, Carolyn Bushong, Anna Karimo, Dr Diana Kirschner,
Annie Gleason, Ann Robbins and David Steele (and more!) discuss
love, romance and dating and talk about the principles and secrets
that underpin successful, happy, loving relationships. This is an
opportunity to listen to some powerful advice that is bound to
deliver an A-ha moment.
Feel free to forward this information to friends and family who may
Listen to the experts discuss love, sex, men and dating. It is FREE!
Follow this link to get the entire series. The first free webinar is
Thursday, November 4 (I will be speaking then), so don’t forget to
Return to top >>>
to Share Emotionally
By Carolyn Bushong
Recently several of my male clients have been accused by their wives
of being unemotional. This is a common problem among couples. But,
it goes further than just wanting him to open up. Because these men
are unemotional, they have been unable to be compassionate when
their wives were in crisis. This can cause a serious problem in a
relationship that can sabotage the relationship for the future. What
a woman needs in this type of situation is for her husband to
actually be able to relate to the emotion of sadness or trauma or
whatever it is. If he hides his emotions from her (and maybe even
himself), it isn’t possible for him to truly be compassionate or
understand how she feels. Below are several excerpts from my book
Bring Back the Man You Fell in Love With that may help.
Men Have Emotions, but They're Afraid
to Show Them
When I accuse male clients of being
unemotional, they always say to me, "But I do have emotions!" And of
course, it's true. Men have and feel emotions just like we do. But
they, of course, have difficulty expressing them because of their
childhood training. Fathers teach men that it's
weak and unmanly to show any emotion but anger. Then mothers teach
them that it's wrong to show anger. Then we—their wives and
girlfriends—teach them that if they are emotional with us, we'll
lose respect for them. Society has programmed us to expect men to
"handle" their emotions, and often by "handle," we mean not have any
weak or insecure feelings. So they pretend that they don't—because
we want them to.
Are You Ready to Hear What He Has to Say?
Often our own secret dependencies keep
us wanting a man to be stronger and more fearless than we are so we
can lean on him if we need to. To have him be emotionally open with
you, you have to be ready to let him off the pedestal. You have to
honestly want an equal relationship—want him to be your best friend.
Usually, when we say we want him to be more emotional than he is, we
mean just in a loving way. And of course, that's not possible. If
your mate becomes more emotionally available, he will need to share
all of his emotions— even the ones you don't want to hear.
How to Get Him to Share Emotionally
Make it safe for him to share by
listening and accepting his feelings.
Teach him what you know about
sharing emotionally, but don't shove it at him or make him think
he has to be as emotional as you are.
Stop enabling his unemotional
Don't excuse his bad behavior with
Share your feelings with him.
Don't share more than he does.
Withdraw when he is cold and
What Unemotional Men (and Women) Need to
Know About Emotions
Emotional intimacy requires sharing
your feelings toward your mate, openly, honestly, and directly
to your mate, not anyone else.
Anger and confrontation are a part
of resolving issues with someone you love.
It takes more courage to face a
problem and resolve it than to hide from it.
The better you know yourself, the
more you can share, and the closer both of you can become.
Getting in touch with feelings and
wants is a necessary step that leads to finding solutions to
problems, and then taking action.
Anger not expressed is stored and
ends up being taken out on yourself (guilt) or others
Becoming emotionally involved with
someone does not mean you can never leave that person, so don’t
be scared of the commitment.
Both men and women have insecurities
and emotional pain, and both have the strength to work through
For a relationship to grow and
deepen, both partners have to continue to grow personally.
Emotional communication with a man
is what turns us on and makes us feel close enough to want to be
sexual with them.
The more you understand your
emotional past, the better you can control your own future.
The more emotionally honest you are,
the more authentic you are, and the higher your self-esteem
For more information on this topic, see “Chapter 6: Achieving
Emotional Intimacy with Him” in my book
Bring Back the Man You
Fell in Love With. In this chapter, I also discuss what
to do when:
he withdraws and sulks
when he tries to punish you
when he has angry outbursts
when he won’t participate
when he lets his issues affect your
when he talks down to you or
when he breaks promises
Return to top >>>
Billingsley – The Best Mom Ever!
was our nation’s greatest mom – June Cleaver on the TV show
Leave it to Beaver! Barbara Billingsley passed away
last week at the age of 93.
I had the pleasure of meeting Barbara in l994 (she was 77 and
still looked great! See photo) when we both appeared on
The Mike & Maty Show in L.A. on the topic of “How Real
Mom’s Can Learn from TV Moms.” We spent time in the Green Room
chatting and she was as delightful in person as she was on the
screen. She had a true warmth about her. She even reached out
and chatted with Alan while I was on the air and he was quite
June Cleaver was the epitome of what a mom was supposed to be.
She always looked attractive in her housedress and pearls. She
always talked over problems with her kids, Beaver and Wally. It
was our first model of what a perfect (nondysfunctional) family
was supposed to look like. Most of us now know that real
families seldom looked like that. The Cleaver family’s parents
never fought amongst themselves; they were totally focused on
their children’s well-being; there was no yelling, no money
problems, no alcohol issues, and certainly no talk of divorce.
Life was smooth and stable.
Though the show was only on for 6 years (1957-1963), it seems
like it was on much longer because of the impact it had on
American families. For those of you too young to know the show
(unless you saw the 1983 reunion movie), Leave it to
Beaver portrayed the Beaver family as the iconic
American family: June the perfectly coiffed housewife, Ward the
dad who wore a suit to dinner, the Beaver (the good-hearted kid
who was always getting into trouble), and Wally the older
brother who thought his kid brother was stupid. Dad was a good
provider (though we never knew what he did for a living). Mom
stayed at home and had dinner on the table every night and met
her husband at the door each night looking beautiful. Times
certainly have changed. June and Ward Cleaver were not even
allowed to show that they slept in the same bed in those days.
Leave it to Beaver had both a good and bad
influence on American families. It was good that we saw a role
model of how good, loving parents should be – checking in with
their children to find out what happened at school every day and
getting involved in solving their children’s problems. On the
other hand, we often felt bad that our own families did not
measure up since we believed this false portrayal of the family.
It wasn’t until many years later (in the early 80’s) that talk
shows like Oprah enlightened us and we found out how
dysfunctional most families really are. And the show certainly
was detrimental to women and their desires. Some men never got
over how June Cleaver could wait on everyone, be so sweet and
giving, and have no needs of her own (like a career or personal
interests). In my first marriage at 21, I married a man who grew
up with this belief system about women, and the war between us
was on until we divorced. I’m sorry to say that there are still
a few men (not many) who still cling to that idea of the perfect
The Beaver Cleaver family was not realistic. What was real,
however, is that Barbara Billingsley – June Cleaver – played the
warm, loving mom role perfectly because it was who she truly was
(except that she was of course also a career woman). She was one
of the warmest and nicest people there ever was. She was truly
the mom we all wished we had!
Return to top >>>
Carolyn Bushong, L.P.C, is an expert on
relationships and a licensed therapist. She is known for being one
of the top relationship therapists in the country and the author of
3 relationship books. She has appeared on Oprah, the View, and many
other TV shows, and she has been giving relationship advice on
Denver radio for more than15 years. She has been helping people like
you improve your life and relationships for more than 30 years.
Cosmo, US Weekly and other magazines quote her expert relationship
advice, and McCall’s named her one of the “Top 6 Passion Doctors” in
the country. Carolyn Bushong always has fresh, up-to-date, hot
information on topics that will inspire you and change your life and
improve your relationships. She has clients all over the country,
some who come into her office and others who receive Carolyn's
expert advice through phone counseling. Carolyn Bushong is an
excellent psychotherapist, but she also lives what she teaches, as
she is in a happy, healthy relationship with Alan, her mate of 23
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