July 11, 2010
Lies that Will Tear Your Relationship Apart
“I promise I’ll do that tomorrow.” You don’t mean it &
probably won’t do it. It makes your mate believe you are flaky
and/or a liar.
“I don’t mind if you go without me.” That’s a martyr
statement, i.e. “He should know I don’t really want him to go,
but he doesn’t care how I feel.” He can’t read your mind. Be
honest about what you want or his behavior will continue.
“No, that doesn’t make you look fat.” Not that you should
say, “Yes, you look fat,” but say “I think those other pants
look better on you.” You don’t want your mate thinking she’s not
gaining weight when she is or she’ll keep gaining.
“No, I’m not mad!” If you deny your feelings, you’ll
smolder inside and probably lash out about something that
doesn’t matter. Besides, you can’t get him to change his
behavior if you don’t admit that you’re mad.
“You’re all I need!” It’s a great concept, but never
true. Once you say this, you give your mate the right to
restrict your friends and activities which leads to his control
“I never did that!” You’re in the middle of an argument
and your mate tells you what he or she is upset about and you
deny, deny, deny. Of course you may have a different
perspective, but saying you didn’t do it stops the conversation
and the issue never gets resolved.
"What? This old thing? No it’s not new!” Lying about and
hiding purchases does not make money problems go away. In fact,
it makes them worse. If you don’t like the financial agreement
the two of you have, change it.
“I want to make love to you, but I’ve got a headache.”
This is usually just an excuse not to have sex. Even if you have
a headache, you need to explain to your mate what is really
going on. Whether you’re in a bad mood, mad about something he
did, find sex with him boring, or just tired, tell him. There
may be a way to fix the problem.
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You're Not Married Yet
You feel sad when you see couples walking down the street holding
hands. You wonder how that unattractive girl found a handsome man
like that when you can’t keep a boyfriend longer than two months. At
every family gathering, the same questions are asked, “Honey,
haven’t you met anybody yet? I just don’t understand why a smart,
pretty, sweet girl like you isn’t married?” You know what they’re
really saying to you is, “What’s wrong with you that you can’t find
a man to love you?” Sometimes you ask yourself the same thing.
Before you give up and declare yourself single forever or settle for
that nice neighbor guy Joe who just doesn’t ring your chimes, find
out the many reasons women like you can’t find the man of their
dreams, and what to do about it.
You Choose Unavailable Men
When you meet him, he’s eager to get together with you and there’s
no clue he’s an unavailable man. In fact, he can’t seem to get
enough of you. Then, it all starts when he doesn’t return a phone
call, or he cancels plans with you so he can go out with his
buddies, or he doesn’t show up for a date. When you ask him what
happened, he doesn’t have a good answer, so you let it go and hope
it doesn’t happen again. What you find out later surprises you, i.e.
that he has a drinking or drug problem and was on an all night
binge; OR he’s not really divorced yet and spent the evening with
his ex-wife-to-be; OR now that he feels he’s got you and the pursuit
is over, he’s taking you for granted; OR he’s mad about something
you did last week he never told you about and is avoiding you. It
doesn’t really matter what the reason is because he’s just proven
himself and “unavailable man.” Once again this is happening to you
again and you don’t understand why.
You’ll Will Settle for Nothing Less than a 10!
When you meet a man, it’s not long before you’re looking for that
fatal flaw – and you usually find it. As you get to know someone,
you want him less and less. You think there are good reasons too:
the way he handles his ex-wife, his bad table manners, he doesn’t
dress the way you want him to, he doesn’t make as much money as you
do. You know you’d feel like you were settling if you married any of
these men. You pride yourself on being picky, but the truth is that
no “real” man can ever measure up to your fantasy.
You’re a Husband Hunter
Each time Wendy meets a man, she hears wedding bells, pictures
herself moving in, and hears the pitter patter of little feet. With
each man, her question is, “Is he marriage material?” She looks only
at his financial accomplishments, his stability, and his eagerness
to be married. Not that these are bad things, but her eagerness and
focus on the marriage instead of the man usually scares him away.
You’ve Become Too Complacent
On the weekend, you’d rather get a bottle of wine and curl up on the
couch with your cat and videos than go out and look for Mr. Right
one more time. You’ve accepted the fact that you’ll probably never
marry. You’re certainly not happy about it, but like 27-year-old
business owner Maureen, you’re tired of trying. Maureen gave in to
food as a replacement for nurturing and sex, and gradually just let
herself go. She gets disgusted when she looks at herself in the
mirror, but sighs, “What’s the point?”
You’ve Started Acting Like a Man
When you meet a man you’re attracted to, he never knows it. Your
cool, aloof attitude may look like confidence to your friends, but
to men, it simply looks like coldness. You’ve been hurt so many
times that you’ve developed a wall built on fear, so you act like
you don’t care.
You Suffer from, “I have to wait until . . . . . . . .
I have to wait until …… I lose some weight, finish this project, get
that promotion, get in shape ……then I’ll start looking for a
relationship. You don’t think you’re good enough to join in the
dating game the way you are now. From time to time you’ll go out
with a man you wouldn’t consider marrying because you feel
comfortable with him. Your low self-esteem keeps you from spending
time with men who are real potentials. You tell your friends and
co-workers who try to fix you up that you’ll soon be ready to date
again, but that day never comes.
You’re Still in Love with An Ex
You may still be hung up on an ex and not even know it – especially
if he broke up with you (you may still feel rejected). Because of
this, you may be an “unavailable woman.”
When a man tells you you’re beautiful, you ask him what he wants. If
he says he loves you, you laugh and ask, “For how long? Tonight?”
You assume love never lasts, so you break all the rules and have sex
too soon, choose inappropriate men, and often reject a man before he
gets a chance to reject you. Marilyn’s jaded attitude is always
there the morning after she has sex with a new man. She’s so tired
of men making promises they don’t keep that she has no expectations
and acts like their intimate time together meant nothing to her.
Unknowingly, the way she sets the situation up is what keeps men
from ever coming through for her.
You Have the “Princess” Syndrome
You see beautiful women with diamonds on their fingers who are wined
and dined, and that’s what you want. Forget the “average”
relationship most people settle for. Like my grandmother said, “It’s
as easy to marry a millionaire as it is a poor man.” But you’re
still waiting for yours. You’ve met some rich guys along the way,
but none of them have really panned out. You sure have enjoyed the
ride though – the trips, the exciting people, the lifestyle!
You Fear Marriage as Much as You Want it
You want to be in a long-term relationship, but your ambivalence
about marriage keeps you from getting close to a man. Like Jane, you
watched your father control your mother and it seems like most men
want to control you. You’ve made a pact with yourself that no man
will ever be in a position to run your life.
Finding a man you can hold hands and walk down the street with isn’t
impossible as long you’re willing to change some of your own
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Struggles in Marriage Today
1) Communication. This is always
at the top of the list and never goes away. But when people are
confused about what to do and how to handle all the changes going on
in their lives, communication can get even worse.
Money. When money is tight, there are of course more
fights about it. And if a couple isn’t fighting about how to spend
the money, they are often staying because of it. Who can afford a
divorce with two homes these days when it’s taking both incomes to
Supporting grown family members. Sometimes the kids won’t
leave home and won’t or can’t find a job. Sometimes they’ve left and
come back in financial trouble. And if it’s not the children, it may
be parents you’re taking care of. When there are extra people to
support, it causes a lot of resentment from the other spouse.
Loss of identity. If one of you loses your job, it
certainly hurts financially, but it hurts in other ways too. Our
careers are a huge part of our identities and when you go from a
professional and parent to just mom or dad, it can be confusing and
painful for you. And especially if you have to take on a job you
thought you would never have to do -- just to support the family.
Downsizing. If we have 2 cars and can only afford payments
on one, whose do we keep? He thinks she should give up her $200 hair
appointments while she thinks he doesn’t need to keep that
motorcycle. Decisions must be made and neither want to give up their
This topic will be discussed on Carolyn’s radio show next Thursday,
July 15, along with possible solutions to these problems.
Tune in to
KYGO 98.5FM from 7:30 am to 8:30 am and call in to 303-631-2985
and join the discussion. Or even tell her of other top struggles she
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10 Steps to
deeply depressed, temporarily get on medication so you can
be functional and do what else is necessary to make yourself
Develop purpose and passion
-- be involved in something that you feel passionate about,
whether it’s work or a class or volunteering.
Raise self-esteem by cleaning up
unresolved issues with people who have hurt you. Make a list
of all those that need a confrontation letter and start the
Make sure you have some fun in
your life almost every day.
Have goals -- whether they
are career goals or goals to meet a partner by a certain date or
to be the best golfer.
Take action on anything and
everything that you are not happy about in your life.
Have courage, take risks
whether it’s starting a new career, internet dating, approaching
someone to be your friend or whatever. Work past your fear.
Learn to be alone and enjoy it.
Use the time to work on the above steps to happiness. Realize
that your time alone is time nurturing yourself and making
yourself the best you can be.
Force yourself to let go of
negative thoughts. Promise to try and become more of an
optimist by thinking of the good in every issue.
Show love. Whether or not you
are in a relationship, show love every day to someone or
something, i.e. nieces or nephews, pets, a homeless person, a
family member, a friend.
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Carolyn Bushong, L.P.C, is an expert on
relationships and a licensed therapist. She is known for being one
of the top relationship therapists in the country and the author of
3 relationship books. She has appeared on Oprah, the View, and many
other TV shows, and she has been giving relationship advice on
Denver radio for more than15 years. She has been helping people like
you improve your life and relationships for more than 30 years.
Cosmo, US Weekly and other magazines quote her expert relationship
advice, and McCall’s named her one of the “Top 6 Passion Doctors” in
the country. Carolyn Bushong always has fresh, up-to-date, hot
information on topics that will inspire you and change your life and
improve your relationships. She has clients all over the country,
some who come into her office and others who receive Carolyn's
expert advice through phone counseling. Carolyn Bushong is an
excellent psychotherapist, but she also lives what she teaches, as
she is in a happy, healthy relationship with Alan, her mate of 23
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