July 11, 2010

Inside this Newsletter:


 

Hope you all had a great July 4th weekend! Alan & I did. We had some friends up to the mountain house for the weekend and had lots of fun, food and wine. Had all my gardening done, the yard looked beautiful, and I got to show it off! (See my garden below.)

I gave a quote to Life & Style Weekly that appeared in this week’s (July 12, 2010) issue. The article was titled “Katie Takes Control: Katie’s trying to make Tom Hip again!” My quote was, “Younger people do try to take control in relationships, and I’d say Katie is putting pressure on Tom to be more popular. She doesn’t want people to think she’s with some old person who’s out of it. And the older person often wants to do what the younger person wants in order to keep her around.” And we all know that Tom Cruise has seemed a little out of it in recent years. She’s got a big job on her hands.

Lots of articles for you this month. If you’re married, look at the "Top 5 Struggles in Marriage" and listen to us discuss it next Thursday on KYGO 98.5FM from 7:30 am to 8:30 am. If you’re single, read Reasons You’re Not Married Yet!” And everyone can relate to the 10 Steps to Happiness. Are you doing what you need to do to make yourself happy? And don’t be telling the “Little White Lies that Tear Your Relationship Apart!”

Carolyn

Little White Lies that Will Tear Your Relationship Apart

  1. “I promise I’ll do that tomorrow.” You don’t mean it & probably won’t do it. It makes your mate believe you are flaky and/or a liar.

  2. “I don’t mind if you go without me.” That’s a martyr statement, i.e. “He should know I don’t really want him to go, but he doesn’t care how I feel.” He can’t read your mind. Be honest about what you want or his behavior will continue.

  3. “No, that doesn’t make you look fat.” Not that you should say, “Yes, you look fat,” but say “I think those other pants look better on you.” You don’t want your mate thinking she’s not gaining weight when she is or she’ll keep gaining.

  4. “No, I’m not mad!” If you deny your feelings, you’ll smolder inside and probably lash out about something that doesn’t matter. Besides, you can’t get him to change his behavior if you don’t admit that you’re mad.

  5. “You’re all I need!” It’s a great concept, but never true. Once you say this, you give your mate the right to restrict your friends and activities which leads to his control of you.

  6. “I never did that!” You’re in the middle of an argument and your mate tells you what he or she is upset about and you deny, deny, deny. Of course you may have a different perspective, but saying you didn’t do it stops the conversation and the issue never gets resolved.

  7. "What? This old thing? No it’s not new!” Lying about and hiding purchases does not make money problems go away. In fact, it makes them worse. If you don’t like the financial agreement the two of you have, change it.

  8. “I want to make love to you, but I’ve got a headache.” This is usually just an excuse not to have sex. Even if you have a headache, you need to explain to your mate what is really going on. Whether you’re in a bad mood, mad about something he did, find sex with him boring, or just tired, tell him. There may be a way to fix the problem.

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Reasons You're Not Married Yet

You feel sad when you see couples walking down the street holding hands. You wonder how that unattractive girl found a handsome man like that when you can’t keep a boyfriend longer than two months. At every family gathering, the same questions are asked, “Honey, haven’t you met anybody yet? I just don’t understand why a smart, pretty, sweet girl like you isn’t married?” You know what they’re really saying to you is, “What’s wrong with you that you can’t find a man to love you?” Sometimes you ask yourself the same thing.

Before you give up and declare yourself single forever or settle for that nice neighbor guy Joe who just doesn’t ring your chimes, find out the many reasons women like you can’t find the man of their dreams, and what to do about it.

  1. You Choose Unavailable Men
    When you meet him, he’s eager to get together with you and there’s no clue he’s an unavailable man. In fact, he can’t seem to get enough of you. Then, it all starts when he doesn’t return a phone call, or he cancels plans with you so he can go out with his buddies, or he doesn’t show up for a date. When you ask him what happened, he doesn’t have a good answer, so you let it go and hope it doesn’t happen again. What you find out later surprises you, i.e. that he has a drinking or drug problem and was on an all night binge; OR he’s not really divorced yet and spent the evening with his ex-wife-to-be; OR now that he feels he’s got you and the pursuit is over, he’s taking you for granted; OR he’s mad about something you did last week he never told you about and is avoiding you. It doesn’t really matter what the reason is because he’s just proven himself and “unavailable man.” Once again this is happening to you again and you don’t understand why.

  2. You’ll Will Settle for Nothing Less than a 10!
    When you meet a man, it’s not long before you’re looking for that fatal flaw – and you usually find it. As you get to know someone, you want him less and less. You think there are good reasons too: the way he handles his ex-wife, his bad table manners, he doesn’t dress the way you want him to, he doesn’t make as much money as you do. You know you’d feel like you were settling if you married any of these men. You pride yourself on being picky, but the truth is that no “real” man can ever measure up to your fantasy.

  3. You’re a Husband Hunter
    Each time Wendy meets a man, she hears wedding bells, pictures herself moving in, and hears the pitter patter of little feet. With each man, her question is, “Is he marriage material?” She looks only at his financial accomplishments, his stability, and his eagerness to be married. Not that these are bad things, but her eagerness and focus on the marriage instead of the man usually scares him away.

  4. You’ve Become Too Complacent
    On the weekend, you’d rather get a bottle of wine and curl up on the couch with your cat and videos than go out and look for Mr. Right one more time. You’ve accepted the fact that you’ll probably never marry. You’re certainly not happy about it, but like 27-year-old business owner Maureen, you’re tired of trying. Maureen gave in to food as a replacement for nurturing and sex, and gradually just let herself go. She gets disgusted when she looks at herself in the mirror, but sighs, “What’s the point?”

  5. You’ve Started Acting Like a Man
    When you meet a man you’re attracted to, he never knows it. Your cool, aloof attitude may look like confidence to your friends, but to men, it simply looks like coldness. You’ve been hurt so many times that you’ve developed a wall built on fear, so you act like you don’t care.

  6. You Suffer from, “I have to wait until . . . . . . . .
    I have to wait until …… I lose some weight, finish this project, get that promotion, get in shape ……then I’ll start looking for a relationship. You don’t think you’re good enough to join in the dating game the way you are now. From time to time you’ll go out with a man you wouldn’t consider marrying because you feel comfortable with him. Your low self-esteem keeps you from spending time with men who are real potentials. You tell your friends and co-workers who try to fix you up that you’ll soon be ready to date again, but that day never comes.

  7. You’re Still in Love with An Ex
    You may still be hung up on an ex and not even know it – especially if he broke up with you (you may still feel rejected). Because of this, you may be an “unavailable woman.”

  8. You’re Jaded
    When a man tells you you’re beautiful, you ask him what he wants. If he says he loves you, you laugh and ask, “For how long? Tonight?” You assume love never lasts, so you break all the rules and have sex too soon, choose inappropriate men, and often reject a man before he gets a chance to reject you. Marilyn’s jaded attitude is always there the morning after she has sex with a new man. She’s so tired of men making promises they don’t keep that she has no expectations and acts like their intimate time together meant nothing to her. Unknowingly, the way she sets the situation up is what keeps men from ever coming through for her.

  9. You Have the “Princess” Syndrome
    You see beautiful women with diamonds on their fingers who are wined and dined, and that’s what you want. Forget the “average” relationship most people settle for. Like my grandmother said, “It’s as easy to marry a millionaire as it is a poor man.” But you’re still waiting for yours. You’ve met some rich guys along the way, but none of them have really panned out. You sure have enjoyed the ride though – the trips, the exciting people, the lifestyle!

  10. You Fear Marriage as Much as You Want it
    You want to be in a long-term relationship, but your ambivalence about marriage keeps you from getting close to a man. Like Jane, you watched your father control your mother and it seems like most men want to control you. You’ve made a pact with yourself that no man will ever be in a position to run your life.

Finding a man you can hold hands and walk down the street with isn’t impossible as long you’re willing to change some of your own behavior.

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Top 5 Struggles in Marriage Today

  1. 1) Communication. This is always at the top of the list and never goes away. But when people are confused about what to do and how to handle all the changes going on in their lives, communication can get even worse.

  2. Money. When money is tight, there are of course more fights about it. And if a couple isn’t fighting about how to spend the money, they are often staying because of it. Who can afford a divorce with two homes these days when it’s taking both incomes to stay afloat?

  3. Supporting grown family members. Sometimes the kids won’t leave home and won’t or can’t find a job. Sometimes they’ve left and come back in financial trouble. And if it’s not the children, it may be parents you’re taking care of. When there are extra people to support, it causes a lot of resentment from the other spouse.

  4. Loss of identity. If one of you loses your job, it certainly hurts financially, but it hurts in other ways too. Our careers are a huge part of our identities and when you go from a professional and parent to just mom or dad, it can be confusing and painful for you. And especially if you have to take on a job you thought you would never have to do -- just to support the family.

  5. Downsizing. If we have 2 cars and can only afford payments on one, whose do we keep? He thinks she should give up her $200 hair appointments while she thinks he doesn’t need to keep that motorcycle. Decisions must be made and neither want to give up their “stuff.”

This topic will be discussed on Carolyn’s radio show next Thursday, July 15, along with possible solutions to these problems. Tune in to KYGO 98.5FM from 7:30 am to 8:30 am and call in to 303-631-2985 and join the discussion. Or even tell her of other top struggles she missed!

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10 Steps to Happiness

  1. If deeply depressed, temporarily get on medication so you can be functional and do what else is necessary to make yourself happy.

  2. Develop purpose and passion -- be involved in something that you feel passionate about, whether it’s work or a class or volunteering.

  3. Raise self-esteem by cleaning up unresolved issues with people who have hurt you. Make a list of all those that need a confrontation letter and start the work.

  4. Make sure you have some fun in your life almost every day.

  5. Have goals -- whether they are career goals or goals to meet a partner by a certain date or to be the best golfer.

  6. Take action on anything and everything that you are not happy about in your life.

  7. Have courage, take risks whether it’s starting a new career, internet dating, approaching someone to be your friend or whatever. Work past your fear.

  8. Learn to be alone and enjoy it. Use the time to work on the above steps to happiness. Realize that your time alone is time nurturing yourself and making yourself the best you can be.

  9. Force yourself to let go of negative thoughts. Promise to try and become more of an optimist by thinking of the good in every issue.

  10. Show love. Whether or not you are in a relationship, show love every day to someone or something, i.e. nieces or nephews, pets, a homeless person, a family member, a friend.

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About Carolyn

Carolyn Bushong, L.P.C, is an expert on relationships and a licensed therapist. She is known for being one of the top relationship therapists in the country and the author of 3 relationship books. She has appeared on Oprah, the View, and many other TV shows, and she has been giving relationship advice on Denver radio for more than15 years. She has been helping people like you improve your life and relationships for more than 30 years. Cosmo, US Weekly and other magazines quote her expert relationship advice, and McCall’s named her one of the “Top 6 Passion Doctors” in the country. Carolyn Bushong always has fresh, up-to-date, hot information on topics that will inspire you and change your life and improve your relationships. She has clients all over the country, some who come into her office and others who receive Carolyn's expert advice through phone counseling. Carolyn Bushong is an excellent psychotherapist, but she also lives what she teaches, as she is in a happy, healthy relationship with Alan, her mate of 23 years.

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