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| Carolyn Says The Relationship Newsletter Helping you Succeed in Your Relationships For Singles and Couples Carolyn
Bushong, L.P.C. Email: Carolyn@carolynsays.com
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Carolyn Bushong, L.P.C. Licensed Professional Counselor Relationship Therapist Author of 3 Relationship Books Appeared on Oprah and the View
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Therapy Expectations
7 Dating Rules
A Cinderella Story
Falling & Staying in
Love:
*8 Key Ingredients of Love
*5 Ways to Rekindle Love
Picture of Carolyn &
Alan
Carolyn’s Singing
Kitty Korner
Office Address &
Directions
Email me your topics and ideas at Carolyn@carolynsays.com.
WHO IS CAROLYN BUSHONG: Carolyn
Bushong, L.P.C, is a Licensed
Professional
Counselor
who is an expert on relationships.
She is known as one of the top relationship therapists in the
country and has authored 3 relationship books.
Carolyn Bushong has been helping men and women, and both marrieds and singles, improve their lives and relationships
for more than 25 years. She
has appeared on Oprah and
the View, and
has been giving relationship advice on
Personal Message from Carolyn:
I'm Carolyn Bushong, a relationship therapist & author, and I look forward to sharing some of my most effective relationship secrets with you.
I have been
helping clients with relationship
problems for over 30 years now, as a licensed therapist in private
practice in
I've
been well-known as an expert in the field of relationship help ever since my first Oprah show,
“Wives Held Captive in their Own Homes,” back in 1992. Since then, I’ve appeared on
numerous television shows, and began giving advice on the radio when my second, and most popular book, The 7 Dumbest Relationship
Mistakes Smart People Make,
was published and promoted heavily by Random House.
THERAPY EXPECTATIONS
By Carolyn Bushong
(excerpted from my article in
New Woman Magazine, June 1988)
People go into therapy for different reasons. Often a life crisis, such as a divorce or loss of a job, triggers the decision. Sometimes a client wants to overcome anxiety or depression. People also reach out for help with addictions to alcohol and/or drugs or eating disorders. Others just want help dealing with normal living issues, such as sexual incompatibilities or confusion about men's and women's roles - or some just want help with personal growth and happiness issues.
Therapy no longer carries the stigma it used to, although some people would still prefer to call it "coaching." But many people still don't know what to expect from therapy. Often spouse or boyfriend will say, "Okay, I'll go to therapy!" not really knowing what that means. Therapy is sometimes seen as the answer itself, rather than the means to solving the problem. Expectations of therapy are often unrealistic, i.e. therapy only works if the therapist knows what he or she is doing AND the client is open to change.
What You Can
Expect From Therapy:
· That
you should be able to reveal your deepest, darkest secrets without judgment
from the therapist.
· To learn better communication skills
· That you can express your full range of emotions, including fears, in a safe place
· Support and understanding of your pain
· Skill to help you exert greater control over your life, whether it is in your relationships or at work
· Confrontation on your own personal issues
Responsibilities
of the Therapy Client:
*To choose a therapist that is right for you
*To let your therapist know when you are not getting what you want
*To monitor your own progress
*To watch out for dependency on the therapist
*To trust your gut more than your therapist's authority and let him or her know when something doesn't feel right
*To take a break from or terminate therapy whenever you want to
*To set goals with your therapist
*To report any therapist who crosses a line with you sexually or otherwise
(In upcoming issues, we will discuss other therapy topics, such as: "How Kathy Chose a Therapist just like the Men She Dates," "Different Types of Therapy and whether to Choose a Man or a Woman," "Problems that Crop up in Therapy, such as Transference.")
HOW TO GET CAROLYN BUSHONG'S RELATIONSHIP ADVICE:
Individual Counseling: l hour or 1/2hr sessions in office or phone, Health Ins. covers a portion.
Couples Counseling:1 1/2 hr. sessions, Health Ins. covers a portion.
Group Counseling: Tuesday night group meets 5:30 - 7:30 pm, 8 members, costs less
Purchase Carolyn Bushong's books: for sale in her office, online, or B&N.com.
Subscribe to free email newsletter at www.carolynsays.com
Email Advice online (for a fee)
Start work on
yourself now. You can come
in an hour a week, an hour a month, a half hour every other week - whatever you
want. You can come to my office in
Cherry Creek or call in for your appointment by phone. You can start by ordering one of my 3
relationship books: The 7 Dumbest
Relationship Mistakes Smart People Make, Loving Him Without Losing You, or Bring Back the
Man You Fell in Love With (available on my website, in my office, and at
Barnes&Noble.com).
Phone Counseling is a great way to do
therapy, especially for the really busy person who's constantly on the go, or
the person who is shy or hesitant to talk about their problem in person. It just makes sense in this day and age
to be able to call and discuss a problem and get advice on a situation with
having to leave work and drive to my office in Cherry Creek.
NEW THERAPY REFERRAL SOURCE Although I would love to have you all as clients, I also try to make available other options for you. Even though most of you receive some reimbursement from your insurance company for my services (if they pay out-of-network providers), I know that many of you can't afford my fees and want to be able to pay only a co-pay to see a therapist. This is why I'm working with a new referral service called Westside Behavioral Care. They are a referral source to a group of therapists who will take your insurance directly, and you just have to pay the co-pay. They are a mental health practice with over 30 locations that serve adults, children, adolescents, couples and families in the Denver-Boulder metropolitan area. You can call them in a crisis and usually get immediate appointments, even on evenings and weekends. To make an appointment or find out more about their services, call: 1-877-435-2017.
Overgiver's Group (5:30pm to 7:30pm
Monday nights). I used to call my groups "relationship" groups, but
the common theme in all the groups is: people to overgive
to their mates and end up on the short end of the stick in their
relationships. Join the group and
learn to have equal, healthier relationships
Falling
and Staying in Love
Falling in love is easy, but staying in love is not. Sometimes we don't
know for sure if we are really in love or not. Sexual desire and a neediness to
see the other person constantly is just infatuation, and not what love is all
about. Here are the ingredients of love, and how to rekindle love in your
relationship.
The
Eight Key Ingredients of Love:
1.Common relationship goals regarding the present and the future
including (but not limited to) emotional intimacy, quality time together,
pursuit of interests, marriage, children, social life, a home, financial
security, sexual intimacy and companionship.
2. A Feeling of goodwill that comes from warmth and truly wanting the
very best for your mate.
3. Excitement and interest created by bringing your separate and unique
personalities to the relationship.
4. Freedom to be yourselves and follow your own interests resulting from
both feeling secure in yourselves and the relationship.
5. Ability to search for and find solutions to problems because you
respect each other and your differences, and seek solutions that meet both your
needs.
6. A deep bond between you that others can't penetrate.
7. Security that comes from trusting your mate and knowing that you are
both equally committed to the relationship.
8. Commitment to, and a vision of, your future together for many years
to come.
It's hard for couples to keep that "loving feeling." It often gets lost
when couples take each other for granted or lose their own identities in the
relationship. Below are the things you need to do to stay in love or rekindle
love:
5 Ways
to Rekindle Love:
1. Make sure your own life's on track. Are you
the exciting vital person you were when you married? If not, why not? Recreate
your "Life Before Mate" identity that
sparked the relationship initially. It takes two happy healthy people to have a
happy healthy relationship.
2. Rebuild Trust. The spark can die when one partner feels hurt by the
other because the trust is damaged. Whether or not one mate
intentionally hurt the other or not, the issue needs to be discussed and
resolved to both people's satisfaction. Make a vow that the two of you will
discuss your issues on a regular basis (or with a therapist) until there is
resolution.
3. Plan your future together. Most couples are busy following a script
written by their parents. Don't follow their script. Instead work together and
create your own set of guidelines and goals for your future.
4. Be emotionally honest in your
conversation. Don't protect your mate from your bad feelings. When you do,
you build a wall of resentment inside yourself that won't let your feelings of love
come through. Share, and be sure your mate shares, and then really listen so
you can hear what he or she is telling you.
5. Make romance a priority. Schedule regular dates
with each other. Constantly look for new ways to bond. Look for ways to
have fun. Remind your mate what it is you love about him or her. Become a
mutual admiration society.
Falling in love and staying in love are not as difficult as people think, as
long as you're willing to do what's necessary to keep your love alive.
PICTURE OF CAROLYN & ALAN
Alan & I are still in love after 20 years together
12/07
7 DATING RULES
1)
Don’t Close Off Options Too Soon:
Date several people at once for at least 3 months.
2)
Don’t invest too much in him too soon: Don’t
decide “He’s the one!” until you’ve known him at least
a year.
3)
Don’t give too much. Make sure you get back as much as
you give (tit for tat). Relationships get out-of-balance really easily
and if you overgive, it will continue to be expected
and he’ll become a “taker.”
4)
Don’t open up anymore than he
does: Expose your baggage and complaints about your life at the
same rate that he does or you’re handing him power against you.
5)
Don’t have sex too
soon: You need to give him time to invest in you emotionally.
Wait until at least the 5th date.
6)
Don’t mesh your identity with his: Keep your own friends
and interests, and be sure he is willing to equally join your world.
7)
Don’t push for a commitment without giving him an ultimatum:
Don’t nag, but eventually let him know that if the relationship does
not move forward, you’ll go back to dating others.
A CINDERELLA STORY
(from Scrub Lady at mom’s to Princess – which made her HIS scrub lady)
{A true client story,
told with her permission}
By Carolyn Bushong
Jenna
grew up poor with her mom and sister.
Her mom was self-involved, and forced Jenna to raise herself, do the
housework, and even support herself.
By age 12, she was cleaning houses to buy her own school clothes.
Jenna
was attractive and smart and learned at an early age that she could provide for
herself and became a successful career woman at an early age. But what she really wanted was a family
(since she really never had one) and set out to make marriage and children her
new goal. She read all the books
and sought therapy (with someone different than me) and began her search for a
husband (looking for the Prince).
The books she read and her other therapist taught her how to present
herself as the perfect wife (the Princess) to get a rich husband who would take
care of her (she felt it was about time that someone did). And it worked – she met a
so-called Prince, married him, quit her job, and moved in with him.
After
1 ½ years of living with this man in their big, beautiful new home, she
was depressed and her self-esteem was as low as it had ever been. When she quit working, she had planned
to follow up on hobbies, work out more, and enjoy herself for a change, and
soon have children. Instead, she
spent her days putting finishing touches on the new home, while her husband
criticized her every move and treated her like the hired help. He constantly reminded her that it was
HIS house, not theirs, and if she stood up to him, he reminded her that she was
not behaving like a “good wife.”
Though
many of her girlfriends were envious of her situation, they also told her that
she “sold out” to this man – they said, “He
doesn’t even know the kick-ass successful person you really are!”
She
came into my office for therapy once she realized that this “perfect
wife” routine was not working for her anymore. And since she is smart and can be
successful in what she does, she began to turn the power around in the
relationship in only a few sessions.
One
thing she had learned from living with her mom is that if you speak up and ask
for what you want, you will be punished even more severely. She was behaving the same way with her
new husband and letting him have more and more control in the relationship.
Once
we talked this through and she understood that her “victim-like”
go-along behavior was just a defense mechanism she learned to use with mom, and
that it should never be used with a so-called “partner,” she was
willing to learn to set boundaries.
She also looked back and saw where she gave up power every step of the
way in the relationship. But now
she was ready to take it back!!
She’s
not home free yet, but she has begun to let him know that he can’t talk
to her that way or treat her badly anymore. And when he does, she leaves the house
(making sure he knows why she’s leaving). If he is nasty when she gets back, she
leaves for the night. She did this
last weekend. When she came home,
he not only apologized for his behavior, but she said they haven’t made
love like that in a long time!!
Carolyn’s singing: I’ve always dreamed of being a
lounge singer, and am realizing my dream.
Carolyn
&
THE SASSY
DIVAS
SING
Thursday nights
ROCK / COUNTRY / POP / MOTOWN
Call to find out where we’re singing this week.
Kitty Korner: I’ve had a lot of cat stories
lately, beginning last year with the newborn feral kitten (an orange male tabby
I named Tommy) that I found in my
shed and raised by hand from birth. Then my 2-yr-old ragdoll
cat Cuddles was attacked by a raccoon (raccoon broke into the house on the 2nd
level) and she had to have her tail and 1 leg amputated, and the third leg was
touch and go. But, Cuddles is
completely well now and the hair has grown back on her leg. She is even getting
her old disposition back as a sweet cuddly cat, and she's playing with us and
the other cats again. She scoots
around really great on 3 legs! (See
below)
>
Then the mama Feral cat had 3 more Feral Kittens in the summer,
but I felt sorry for them in the deep of the cold winter and was able to trap
them in my greenhouse, and then move them to my basement until
spring. I have borrowed traps to
catch them and take them in to be fixed soon, but have been unable to catch the
mama, and I’m afraid she’s pregnant again. (See 2 of the feral kittens below)
>
OFFICE MOVE to:
360 So.
A MapQuest map has been sent to you by Carolyn@carolynsays.com. To view your map, click on this link or cut and paste this link into your browser's location bar. http://www.mapquest.com/maps/map.adp?email=1&mapdat MapQuest.com is the Web's leading provider of free Maps and Driving Directions. Visit us today at www.mapquest.com.
DIRECTIONS: I put a link to a map above, but here
are the basic directions:
From the East & South:
I-25 to N on Colorado to L on Cherry Creek Drive North (by the Holiday
Inn), go a few blocks then R on South Monroe, and the beige, 6-story building
is right there on the NE corner.
From the West and North:
6th Avenue to R on University (Josephine) to L on
First/Speer, R on Steele, then veer off onto Cherry Creek North Drive, and in 2
blocks make a L onto Monroe, and the building is right there on the NE corner.
Plenty of visitor
parking in the first 2 rows next to the building!!!
Books by Carolyn Bushong
(also now downloadable
eBooks)
THE SEVEN DUMBEST RELATIONSHIP MISTAKES
SMART PEOPLE MAKE
The
7 Dumbest Relationship Mistakes Smart People Make provides relationship help in showing you
which relationship mistakes you and/or your mate are making - whether it's
acting self-righteous, taking your mate for granted, playing the martyr,
rescuing your mate, or making one of the other major relationship mistakes.
Most of us don't know what we're doing wrong, i.e. you may think you're
communicating, only to find out your simply nagging or thinking your mate
should read your mind. The
7 Dumbest Relationship Mistakes Smart People Make helps resolve your relationship problems by helping
you gain a better understanding of the mistakes you're making, and also by
showing you what to do to resolve those issues. Click here to purchase The Seven
Dumbest Relationship Mistakes Smart People Make.
LOVING HIM WITHOUT LOSING YOU
Loving
Him Without Losing You shows women how
to have a healthy, intimate relationship with a man without becoming addicted to him. When women fall in love (even strong,
independent women), they have a tendency to over-attach and over-give in their
relationships. They often seek
their man's approval, and before they know it, they've given up their own
interests, friends, and goals to make him happy. They take on too much of his
identity and lose their own -- which evolves into a one-sided, unhealthy, addictive relationship. Loving Him Without Losing You shows
you how to develop a strong sense of self that won't allow any man to ever take
"you" away from "you" again. You'll find out what causes this
obsessive quality in addictive
relationships and how to break free. Working through my 8 step
program, which includes the "separation process," teaches you how to
maintain better control of yourself in your relationships. Click here to purchase Loving
Him Without Losing You.
BRING BACK THE MAN YOU FELL IN LOVE WITH
(Changing Your Mate By Changing
Yourself). Bring Back the Man You Fell in Love With is a marriage
self help book that steps you through specific issues
of couples and shows you how to resolve them with the use of behavior modification techniques. Is the romance gone? Is he no longer helpful? Do you want to be more of a priority to
him again? Bring Back the Man You Fell in Love With
teaches you how to get him to behave the loving way he used to. I show you how to make deals with him, whether
it's about treating you with respect, helping with housework, dealing with each
others friends, or handling money issues.
And if he won't make a deal, I'll tell you what behavior modification
technique to use next. I'll help you get back the loving and cooperative man
you married. Bring Back the Man You Fell in Love With shows
you that by changing your own behavior, you can change his too. Click here to purchase Bring Back the Man You Fell in
Love With.
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You may want to start work on yourself by simply going to my website at www.CarolynSays.com and downloading one of my free ebooks: "10 Reasons You're Not Married Yet", or "How to Put the Spark Back in Your Relationship," or “Football Widows.” Just click on free ebooks on the Home Page.
CAROLYN BUSHONG
360 So.
303-333-1888
Carolyn@carolynsays.com
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360 So.
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