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How to Clean Up Issues with Your Family
by Carolyn Bushong
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Identify what you want/need from family
members
How do you need them to change?
What do they do to you that makes you feel bad about yourself? Do
they act like they know it all? Then ask them to be vulnerable about
their own issues. Do they lie about their emotions? The ask them to
be emotionally honest with you. Do they drag you down when you have
new ideas or plans? Then ask them to be more supportive and
encouraging. Do you feel they judge you? Then ask them to stop
judging. Does their love seem conditional upon you behaving the way
they want? Let them know that and explain unconditional love to
them.
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Confront your family on the above issues
Express your feelings, letting them
know what you don’t like, what you want them to change (behaviors),
and what you’ll do if they don’t change their behavior. Set some
boundaries, i.e. “The next time I talk to you and you start judging
me, I’m going to stop the conversation and hang up, and if you don’t
agree not to do that again, I’ll stop telling you things about me.”
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Make deals with your family
Remember this is a two-way street, so
make them promise how they will change their behavior with you and
then give them something back: tell them how you will change your
behavior with them too i.e. “I’ll call you more often and tell you
what’s going on with me if you won’t judge me.”
What to do if your family won't work with you
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Try Behavior Modification (using boundaries
and consequences)
5 Steps of
Confrontation (regarding past issues with family):
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I feel/felt angry and hurt when you
________________
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This is how it is affecting/affected my life:
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This is what I want from you now (to fix it)
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Will you give it to me? (Be specific)
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If not, here’s what I’m going to do (stop
talking to you, or “Every time you criticize me,
I’m going to say ‘I feel criticized again,’ and
then hand up or walk away.” *This is the most
Important step!
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When to Know if you have to end the relationship
with a family member:
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they refuse to make deals
or keep them
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you get nothing positive
out of the relationship
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their values are
extremely opposed to yours
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they lie, cheat, steal
from you
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Try to Show them a way to Resolve the Issue:
Even in the worst of cases, you can
give them a way out, even though they probably won’t take it, i.e.
if a family member has used you financially, say, “Pay back all of
the money you owe me and the rest of the family, and we can then try
a relationship again.”
{More information on this topic is found
on Pages 133 to 151 in Carolyn’s book
Loving Him Without Losing You.} |
